I found my twin, Literally :D

Mei Ji and Belle

The end.

I'll stay away forever.

I hope you remember.

I love you.

Soulless.

I feel soulless.
It was a mistake.
But I am glad I did that mistake.
I had greatest time in my life through that mistake.

And now, I had the worst moment in my life.

It's complicated.

What's wrong with us?
I remembered when I started this, everything was okay.
Until my friends met him, my mother got the clue about him.
Everything turns to a disaster.
My best friend was on my side before she met him.
I got no idea what happened.
My friends.
They were warning me about him.
I don't blame my friend of course.
They don't know him yet.
He's friendly and colorful and fifty percent off.
LOL
That's the line he loves to tell.
The way he says it makes me laugh, always.
My mother.
She just simply doesn't like him.
Unfair.
She doesn't even know him yet.
I don't blame her too.
I know she loves me.
I love her more.

He told me I'm a big part of his life.
He is for mine too.
But I can't bear it if my friends and families are walking away from me because I want him.
What is all this?
I don't want to choose.
Stop putting me into this situation.
Making choices.
I hate it, the most.

A thought hits me.
Why can't we have two life?
I'll separate them.
Each get 12 hours to spend time with me.
Hahahaha.
Crazy me.
Can't believe I can still make jokes now.

Bravo.
Everything will be okay, some day.

Useless.

I just hate it when you can't tell me you're sad and hide all your feelings for yourself.
I hate it more when I know you kept it for yourself because I can do nothing.
I feel so useless now.

What the hell.

Fun.

About my birthday sucks, it was only from 0000 till 1500.
Because I had a really good time with my mother and W after that.
We went pavilion for movie.
Sadly there was no space for us in the cinema.
Hmm,
maybe it's a good sign.
Yeah, it was.
Luckily there's no space for us in cinema.
LOL
We went shopping.

For women, shopping is a magic word.

Whenever women are happy, sad, moody, confused....

Shopping is the best medicine.

ROFL.

Does the same to me.

I feel goooooooooooood.

Today sucks.

Ya, my birthday sucks.

Only hope.

Now I can only hope things turn to be better.
I love him but I can't make myself perfect for him.
Another him's a past and I couldn't hurt him more.
That's was why I always say the worst coincidence,
WORST somehow without reason attracted by me.
Am I a trouble magnet or what?
Why do we meet at this horrible time.
Can't it be later?
This sucks.
Really.
And I couldn't blame anyone but me.
Myself.
Whatever it is now, thanks to myself.

The storm after the calm.

Sorry that I didn't visit blog yesterday.
There was so much to share.
I spent half of my day doing something I've never done.
Never even had the thought of doing it.
But I did.
And I enjoyed.
Everything was great.
I love talking to him anyway.
It means a lot when he was willing to share stories about himself.
Everything is interesting about him.
His school life, his life, everything.
I ate something his father cooked too.
To be honest, it was simple and nice.
I like it.
I think I ate something like squid or whatever the name is.
For the first time.
LOL
Here came the storm.

I wondered why people said the calm after the storm.
In my situation it was in the wrong order.
Refer my title.
Everything about yesterday was as perfect as how it seemed to be.
Until that call.
Considered the symptom before storm.
Worse things followed by one another.
My brother's issues.
My mother's madness.
Everything messed up.
I would say yesterday I was having the best mood of the month but also worst.
I fought with my mother for nothing.
And accidentally dragged my aunt into it which I feel awfully guilty about.
I wanted to say I hate my brother but I think he has had enough.
His situation is nothing better than me either.
Since he's my little brother, what can I say.
Looking upon this matter, my scenario seemed to be a really tiny matter in my family.
But I feel bad.
Everything was fine but gone wrong.
I don't want to lose him.
I never want to have two things in a time.
There were no option.
Only one.
I'm tired.
Really.
Exhausted.
My mind gone blank even before I started thinking.
Right now, I'm typing and thought about that out of controlled.
I'm screwed, I'm dizzy now.
How am I going to feel better?
Wrong one.
Should be "when".
There's no "how".
I'm not sure what's happening to me.
It's like there's hurricane happening in my head.

Damn.

Betrayer.

I hate betrayer.

Especially the ones who are close with me.

I trusted you.

Apparently, I was wrong.

I shouldn't have trusted you like that.

I really can't believe it.

I thought we were like soul mate or best friends.

Obviously it was my mistake.

I don't wanna talk much about this.

You just made my day.

Ironically.

So,

 

Home.

Urghhh.
Why am I living in M'sia?
Hated the sunlight so much.
It woke me up on SUNDAY.
The day which allows me to sleep more.
Should have make use of the curtains.
Gosh.
Crawl to my laptop.
I promised myself I should finish BC's homework today.
Turned on the music.
Feeling better.
Still fighting with the heavy eye lids to stay conscious.
Had my breakfast and lunch at home.
So lazy to be out.
Suddenly this song just strikes me.

Just a dream by Nelly.


Nice song.

In my situation (currently), feel like lying in his arms now.
Well, that just goes to show I'm listening the right song!
Hahahahaha.

Don't walk away.

"I've been running in circles all day long
I'm out of breath but I'm still going strong
I'm gonna get you, yeah no matter what they say
You think I'm losing but I always get my way
Don't walk away when I'm talking to you

This ain't no time for your bad attitude
Don't gimme, that face,
When you know I'm really down for the chase cause' my hearts already in it and I'm never gonna quit it when you finally gonna get it
Don't walk away"

-By Miley Cyrus-

I really like this song.

Somehow it gave me 'OMG this is the one' feeling.

This song had intruded my personal circle of safety.

I guess for 18 years, there's very limited song has done that to me.

Have you ever been to that feeling when a song plays according to your lullaby?

If you had been there, you'll know what I meant.

I'm not saying this song is beautiful and perfect.

Not for everyone at least.

I guessed if I do tell others to listen to this, might not be so welcomed though.

Everyone got their own.

This is mine.

Words failed me.

I can barely describe this if you haven't gone through one.

I'm being paranoid while listening to song like this.

I was imagining something about him.

-He grabbed my hand and wrenched me into one of his bone-crushing hugs-

Hahahahahaha.

I'm insane.

Kinokuniya.

Starting to be my second home though.

I saved money but reading more. 

As I spent a lot of time being there and reading.

I doubt if I would ever finish Eclipse there.

Hahahahaha.

They should prepare more comfortable chair though.

My ass hurts sitting for too long.

Maybe that's their point.

Not having people (like me) reading a book rather than buying it.

LOL.

By the way, I saw Schanny today.

It's good to see him around.

I missed him, it's been decades the last time we met.

Anyway, I miss him a lot while reading.

Maybe it was really a wrong idea reading about romance without having him any near.

Gosh.

I was starving.

But I rather see him than eat food.

Food doesn't seem essential if it had put to compare with him.

Damn it.

Miraaaaaaaaaacleeeee.

It had been a long time since I ever seen him.
Finally.
Thanks to his random schoolmate who had made a random concert around KLCC.
That brings him to me.
I was having fun hanging around with him.
He made me laugh a lot, I meant a lot.
Love the way he talks.
The way he tells he's persiaaaaan.
<3.
One new statement came up just now.
He prefers meeting me even a couple minutes than not seeing me.
Hahahahahahaha.
I'm so proud of myself.

Round of applause to Miss Wwynie.

τρελός.

τρελός.


Greek term for CRAZY.
It's been my favorite word since I know him.
Everything he does or he did, I could only called that crazy.
He's driving me crazy.
But I felt crazily in love with him.
Wasn't sure I would use the word "Love".
Knowing him, I understood that we can't fool around with that word.
It's powerful, meaningful, magical.
New realization of the word made me afraid to use it constantly.
It's now being thought twice before saying it.

It seems so simple and nice word.

But thousands of people are willing to give up everything in their live to fight for it.

I think this would be the most unusual and mysterious thing that ever happened in one's life-cycle.

Of course, amazing too.

Conflicts.

I was seriously hoping to see him and spend time.
Turns out something unexpected.
For the very first time, I waited someone for almost 3 hours.
I never did something like that.
My maximum of waiting was never more than half an hour.
No even my family members.
Or people I really cared before.
At least without being mad.
But I did not.
Turns out anger (were supposed to be) is replaced by guiltiness.
I wouldn't want him to travel this far just to see me.
p/s : It was horrible spending that hour with L. Regret that I requested. :'(
Eventually, I didn't get to see him either.
Ouch.


But one thing to be sure of and to be happy of,
I realize a few statements about him.
"Do not try to understand his hard time when he's not in the mood to tell."
"Do not try to ask something which I can't help much."
"Do not try to get details as there'll be no difference."

Hope I got these right.
Wouldn't want to make mistakes like these anymore.

Like right now, I was hoping to send a comfort message.
Saying something about sorry for what happened with him and his father.
No way.
According to the statements, I'll be making huge mistake.

If I were to be correct with the statements, it would probably be a better turning point. ;)

Gloomy.

You said you know me.
Clearly you don't.
But I don't want to explain.
It's enough,
I've hurt you enough.

I am gonna miss the way he did that.
'' Look, there's something on your neck.''
Pointed with a finger.
''What'' as I looked down, his finger touched my lips.
The moment I looked up, he showed a untouchable kiss...

I exhaled with a cloud or warmth air I guess.
I feel warm.
I will never forget that.
:)

Drug.

J proposed with a ring.
Of course, REJECTED.
He can't let me go.
His brain cancer entered second stage.
It was all my fault.
I was the one who put him in this situation.
I wish he will get amnesia or something like that.
So he won't be suffering anymore.


La tua cantante.

He's my opium.

I can't say he's my 5-MeO-DMT.

It can't be true.

He really do know me.

But certainly not as well as myself.

I love him and I want him.

But I can't.

It's all because of the guilty in me.

I can't bear to hurt him.

Ya.

He said I wasn't strong enough.

And he had experiences.

But things just started.

Of course he can say that.

How if...

No, That's not gonna happen.

Things are about to end now.

We don't talk much.

No bond linking us anymore.

I can see an empty road in front of us.

Means nothing.

Today, I reached British Council 40 minutes earlier.

I sat in the classroom.

Looking blank but running thoughts.

''I still remember the first day I entered this classroom.

All the unknown faces.

I saw him.

Nothing special.

The class ended.

I was on my way to KLCC.

Here it came.

I saw him with his friend.

He greeted me, addressed me as classmate.

Started the conversation and walked together to KLCC.

I guessed he told the funniest thing throughout the year that I've heard about his ex.

As I was going for the train, split up after that.''

-This was the first conversation-

''You are lying.

That was what you said when I was telling a half true story to my partner.

I was kinda furious, thinking who the hell are you, you don't know me, how can you say I'm lying?

Then you were laughing at the way I hold a pen.

I was like what's wrong with this guy? Did I step on his foot or something like that?

Class ended.

I'm not sure was it my imagination, he might be waiting for me.

He asked am I walking to KLCC again and I had the thought he might want to walk with me.

But I went to the speaking club so there was nothing happened after.''

-Those were second time of our so called conversation-

When I reached home that day, I suddenly had the thought that he might want to gain attention from me.

Hahahahahahahahahaha

Few seconds later I was laughing as I thought I was crazy.

Cut off that thought.

''This was the day I got that umbrella nickname.

It was him who started it.

I'm glad we're happy together now and then''

Without me noticing,

you're getting more important.

La tua cantante.

Special name for a bond between a guy and a girl.

Result?

I'm a troublemaker.

There's nothing left.

Bye A.

I wonder was it true when people say the love you can't get will last for a long period of time.

I hope it does.

I want and I will keep these memories forbidden to remember,terrified to forget line.

It will be a hard line to walk.

But I'm glad I chose this.