After all these years, I'm still stupid to have this thought? Really? Or that's just me?

Without realizing it, I'm almost done with Semester Two in Monash University. Time flies, I don't like it. Always hope that I have more time but yeah, I know myself. If there were to be more time, I would just chill and not study. Only if I was trained to be hard working, what kind of Asian am I. Never thought that I would end up here. But I've never regret this. What done is done. I could only work my ass off. I'm still surviving. Thanks to all my friends and course-mate. They are so friendly and everyone is willing to help and share. 

I have no idea what happened to me recently. Seems like everything around me annoys me. I couldn't think straight. Can't believe I have the thought again. Should have stopped drinking. Mind-fucked. I wished I had a teddy which could reply me and guide me. I've been talking to my dog. Sounded so childish and dumb isn't it? That's me. Dumb belle. But there's too much responsibility to be taken care of. My cute little brother is still dependant on me, really have no idea how he could survive without me. I should start rejecting his requests, let him be a man. But how could I? And my lovely mother, she sacrificed so much. How can I walk away? I can't talk to them because they will be really worried. This question has been bothering me, should I consult a psychologist?

Am I supposed to be in this world in the first place? How perfect will this world be without me? Couldn't help myself but let's imagine, would this world be a better place? I really want to sleep and never be awaken. I called myself stupid to have this thought before, but now? I'm a university student. Am I still young and stupid like before? I've been living under the smiling mask for so long. "Why are you always happy?", "Why do you smile all the time?", people asked a lot these kind of questions. I can only smile and answer, that's just me. I thought I found people who I can stop pretending. I can cry and frown in front of them. But I find it hard, to people who care about me, how could I do this to them? Wouldn't they be worried too? 

I am such a whore. I didn't want to be. Guess I'm born to be one. I never want this to happen. But it did. The thing is I've never regretted a single thing. Not even for a second. Fucking whore!

Task to be done, get rid of this piece of shit, Belle. How? When? That's really a question. I've thought of so many ways. But none of them can avoid the pain I would cause afterwards. What am I supposed to do?