Gloomy.

You said you know me.
Clearly you don't.
But I don't want to explain.
It's enough,
I've hurt you enough.

I am gonna miss the way he did that.
'' Look, there's something on your neck.''
Pointed with a finger.
''What'' as I looked down, his finger touched my lips.
The moment I looked up, he showed a untouchable kiss...

I exhaled with a cloud or warmth air I guess.
I feel warm.
I will never forget that.
:)

Drug.

J proposed with a ring.
Of course, REJECTED.
He can't let me go.
His brain cancer entered second stage.
It was all my fault.
I was the one who put him in this situation.
I wish he will get amnesia or something like that.
So he won't be suffering anymore.


La tua cantante.

He's my opium.

I can't say he's my 5-MeO-DMT.

It can't be true.

He really do know me.

But certainly not as well as myself.

I love him and I want him.

But I can't.

It's all because of the guilty in me.

I can't bear to hurt him.

Ya.

He said I wasn't strong enough.

And he had experiences.

But things just started.

Of course he can say that.

How if...

No, That's not gonna happen.

Things are about to end now.

We don't talk much.

No bond linking us anymore.

I can see an empty road in front of us.

Means nothing.

Today, I reached British Council 40 minutes earlier.

I sat in the classroom.

Looking blank but running thoughts.

''I still remember the first day I entered this classroom.

All the unknown faces.

I saw him.

Nothing special.

The class ended.

I was on my way to KLCC.

Here it came.

I saw him with his friend.

He greeted me, addressed me as classmate.

Started the conversation and walked together to KLCC.

I guessed he told the funniest thing throughout the year that I've heard about his ex.

As I was going for the train, split up after that.''

-This was the first conversation-

''You are lying.

That was what you said when I was telling a half true story to my partner.

I was kinda furious, thinking who the hell are you, you don't know me, how can you say I'm lying?

Then you were laughing at the way I hold a pen.

I was like what's wrong with this guy? Did I step on his foot or something like that?

Class ended.

I'm not sure was it my imagination, he might be waiting for me.

He asked am I walking to KLCC again and I had the thought he might want to walk with me.

But I went to the speaking club so there was nothing happened after.''

-Those were second time of our so called conversation-

When I reached home that day, I suddenly had the thought that he might want to gain attention from me.

Hahahahahahahahahaha

Few seconds later I was laughing as I thought I was crazy.

Cut off that thought.

''This was the day I got that umbrella nickname.

It was him who started it.

I'm glad we're happy together now and then''

Without me noticing,

you're getting more important.

La tua cantante.

Special name for a bond between a guy and a girl.

Result?

I'm a troublemaker.

There's nothing left.

Bye A.

I wonder was it true when people say the love you can't get will last for a long period of time.

I hope it does.

I want and I will keep these memories forbidden to remember,terrified to forget line.

It will be a hard line to walk.

But I'm glad I chose this.

My blog.

I finally figured out my blog will be my best companion forever.
It's there all the time, without any complaint, loving me with no reason.
The best thing is, no one will read it.
It's like a diary.
But I hate diary.
I hate to write.
Typing is easier.
I love you, A.
I know how much love means to him.
I left him because I love him.
He must be thinking "bullshit".
I'm glad I have a cousin and a little brother.
They understand my situation.
I can't stop thinking.
His kisses,
His cooking,
His everything.
Mother Teresa once said, When you love until it hurts, they'll be no more hurt, only love.
Is it true?
No matter how deep I can love a person,
eventually we'll have no future.
The last thing I want you to trust me,
I never lied about anything I told you.
Everything.

A wall, separated us.
I know I love you, you don't.

Ending.

Today will be the day of my story ending.
Sorry for being so childish, irresponsible, selfish and so on.
I figured I will never be a good partner to anyone else.
I'll end everything I started.
Feel free to hate.
I can imagine how hurt will you be.
You'll get over it.
As long as we haven't gone too far like my previous.
That hurts more.
I am a cruel person.
You'll eventually find out about that.
Before I could hurt you deeper, I rather this thing ends here.
Without leaving anything behind...
Don't forgive me, I know you will never.
Take care, bye.

People who know me got the idea that I love black rose, but they don't understand why.

Because black rose is the symbol of hopeless.

So do I.

I love the way black rose should be.

Black rose understands me.

I'm confused.

I understand how much I had hurt him.
I've got a theory now.
I should be alone until I figured what I want.
I don't want to hurt anyone anymore.
I'm a bitch.
Before I fall deeper, I should end this.

Irony.

It's kinda irony that after everything I'd gone through, I'm not sure what I really wanted.

Crazier.

I'm getting crazier nowadays.
Ya, like what he called me.
Crazy crazy crazy and crazy.
I'm addicted to everything of him.
This is so gonna drive me crazy.
I'm addicted to you.

This is for you.

I'm currently spending my time with kids in the morning and adults in the afternoon.

I'm glad that my way of spending my day has created a balanced situation in my life.

I'm currently going through a very hard time ( called hard cause it's hardly under controlled ).

He doesn't know the way I felt.

He might have clue but he wasn't sure.

I wanted to let him know everything but I can't in the moment.

I can't promise anything.

I know I'm hurting him but, it's not my wish.

One thing I'm glad, I'm still spending time with the kids.

Kids are innocent.

They just did whatever was right in their mind.

Without thinking any consequences.

That's pretty cool.

I mean when I was with them, I feel happy, like simply happy without reasons.

And in the recess time, is the best.

We played hide and seek, although I'll always be the one to chase but who cares?

I feel FREE.

Life is complicated.

It's good to be simple sometime.

Like when we spent time together, I got that comfortable feeling too.

I'm falling for you, full-heartedly completely.

You don't know this.

I'll tell you when I'm ready for this and I can make promises. 

Remember what I said to you?

I meant it when I said it.

I love you.

In case.

The YOU and HIM I was talking about,

was the same.

Changed.

I would say things changed.
I hated the question you asked me right now.
I know it's hurting you right now.
I can't bear to take the truth.
Why would you asked?
You knew it hurts, don't you?
Hurting you makes me suffer more. than. you. do.
Don't you know that?

Sorry for being emo.
I figured no one gonna see this.

My life's not lively...

Sometimes, cards on table isn't a wonderful thing.

I can't eat.

Swallowing food kills me.

I'd missed him, too much.
I meant it.

how can I make it clear?

He's special.

I didn't want to stop seeing him.

But I will eventually.

3 days left.

I have no more time. 

This sucks when it struck to my mind.

I understood the word agony describes my feelings.

Who cares?

I know he did.

The thing is, I can't do this.

I will gonna hurt two parties.

That's the last thing on earth I would do.

I'm too weak to hurt him.

I'm sorry I can't let you know what I feel about you.

No one.

Except myself.

I can't imagine one day, if I were to see him holding a girl.

That's gonna be like a disaster.

But, there's nothing I can do.

I wasn't good enough for him.

I felt like Bella(twilight) now.

Belle , Bella , Belle , Bella...

 

I sighed.

It's hurting me when you say that you understood I musn't like you.